All Good Things Come In Threes

There is something about trios that makes the world a better place.

Larry, Curly and Moe. Huey, Duey and Louie. Mike D, King Ad-Rock and MCA. Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle.

This is the story of 3 girls who made me a better person by letting me know that I wasn’t even worth a date.

The names of the perpetrators will be withheld to protect them from being congratulated and encouraged by my readers. Also, pictures of myself will be posted throughout this post to remind you of how silly and dumb I really am.

Just tryin to look good for the holidays.

 

The first is a story of a girl that I met a couple years ago. I wasn’t necessarily physically attracted to her at first, but she seemed pretty cool. Fun personality and whatnot. I think one her hobbies was “pwning noobs“. I didn’t see her very much at first, but then she started to hang out with my friends and I a lot. Now, I do this thing with girls that I like. It’s called “not talking to them”. So far it has served me well. I mean, I’m 26 and still not married so I must be doing something right. I guess I really didn’t’t outright like this girl like a normal person. I was just really interested. I tend to do weird, random things for people, but those things seem to be normal when they conceived in my mind. Anyway, I do it because keeps life exciting. One day I sent this girl flowers at work anonymously. I’ve done this before with just friends (never dudes, mostly because dudes don’t like flowers). We talked later, after she rejected me, and she told me that sending her flowers made it seem like I was in love with her (she had found out it was me who sent them and I might have told her but I do not remember).

Note to self: Never do anything nice for a girl because it’s can be misinterpreted as wanting to marry her for time and all eternity.

This is the face I make when I know a girl is going to let me ask her on a date.

One day we were chatting each other up about stupid stuff, when she says, “Life has been so weird lately. I have so many guys asking me out and this has never happened. It’s nice that I can come hang out with you guys without having to deal with that pressure.” I’m sure she told me this in confidence, never to tell another soul as long as Whitney Houston still lived. We continued to talk and I said, “Wellllll, I kinda like you sooo yeah there’s that.” Don’t worry, she quickly responded with, “We will never date, Tyson.” Boom! And we never did. She may be a prophet.

Note to self: Never reveal true feelings for they will be shot down within the blink of an eye.

 

The second girl was a friend of my friend’s girlfriend (who is also my friend). She had come over a couple times to hang out with us idiots at our apartment. We talked and cuddled once or twice. I finally got up the courage to invite her over to watch the movie “Up“….on blue ray. I even cleaned and vacuumed my room. (I understand why you might think, “Hey that dummy Tyson just wants a booty call (the Mormon version of a booty call).” Just finish the story and you’ll see why it’s not).

We were sitting on my bed watching the flick and then we somehow ended up doing the big spoon, little spoon cuddle dealie. What is that called? Anyway, we were doing that when she turned, faced me and we started to talk. We stopped talking, gazed into each other’s eyes and almost kissed. I pulled my head back and was like, “OKKKK, hold your horses and mine too. What’s going on here?” At this point in my life I was trying not to kiss girls without dating them. Totally backfired.

Industrial strength lady repellent on the lower half of my face.

She responded to me, “What? You’ve never kissed a friend before?” My whole life I had wasted all my kisses on enemies. This was something new, forbidden and exciting! I resisted.

“I’m just trying not to kiss girls I’m not dating.” (Once again, so stupid of me).

“Tyson, I’m never going to date you.”

Note to self: Always kiss when you have the opportunity. Don’t treat women with respect because if you do, you will be crushed!

And we never dated. Prophet numero dos.

 

The third girl was more recent, but I won’t say how recent. We were all hanging out at a place together, enjoying one another’s company and playing National Geographic Global Pursuit. It was the best of times. I had never met this lady before, but we got cozy and ended up kissing at said hangout place. A couple days passed by and I wasn’t interested in her (not that she wasn’t interesting or cute) and she wasn’t interested in me. Hell, I didn’t even get her number, or try to text her or facebook message her or anything. I wonder if she was waiting for me to try to get a hold of her so she could dish out some rejection. I did not fulfill that desire so she decided to take the initiative and text me later that week.

“Hey Tyson! This is ******.
“Oh hey what’s going on”
“Nothing much…just chilling. How are you??”
We made chit chat for a little. Then the following exchange of feelings and emotions ensued:
“Hey so about the other night…”
“Yes?”
“What did you think of it?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Cause I’m curious”
“Why are you curious?”
“Just answer the question” ( < —— Whoa! Getting riled up)
“Does it matter what I say though?”
“Why wouldn’t it?”

New haircut. You like it?

“I think it would matter before the fact but since everything is said and done, I don’t know why what I think matters. Also, I don’t want to say something that might piss you off or upset you or something else negative.”
“Ok…? Well, I’ll say something then. It was fun, but it was an in the moment kind of thing. Sorry if it mislead you or anything. I’m just interested in another guy at the moment.”
“Yeah, I know it was for fun. That’s why I haven’t tried to talk to you since then. Did it seem like I was ever interested in a relationship or something?”
“No. I just didn’t want to be a douche and not clarify stuff. No and you don’t have to be rude.”
“Gotcha. So, want to go out sometime?”
“Not really…no”
“It was a joke. Look I wasn’t trying to be rude, but you came off as a little presumptuous is all. Thanks for being considerate(?) though.”
“Wow…I’ve never been called that”
“Presumptuous?”
And she never wrote back. I hope she didn’t think presumptuous was a swear.

Note to self: Even if you aren’t interested, you will be informed that you are not dateable anyway.

 

Now, some people would look at these experiences and say, “I’m never talking to girls again! They are ruthless!” I choose to look at them and say, “Huh. I guess I really didn’t deserve a chance to take these girls out on a date, even if I wasn’t planning on it! I’m glad they could be honest with me and let me know I’m not worth their precious time. Thanks girls!”

This is not really me. If it were, there would be no girl in the picture.