Any of you remember 9/11? I do. Some of it at least.
This past Saturday, 5 men were arraigned in court for being conspirators to the evil master plan that was the 9/11 attacks. During the past couple years they have been hanging out in Guantanamo Bay detention camp learning various skills from building dream catchers and canoeing to archery and pottery. These 5 men never knew the thrill they would have hanging out with the US military as their parents dropped them off at Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp and whispered “مع السلامة” (ma`a as-salaamah) as they embraced before they drove off in their …camels/jeeps/station wagons. As their parents drove off, they all looked at each other, standing there with their luggage–this summer/6 years was gonna be the best of their fricken lives.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
The Ring Leader
Don’t be fooled. This guy loves learning how to make bracelets. He couldn’t wait to come to Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp (GBSC). He says that when he gets older he wants to come back and work there because he “learned so much from” his counselors and wants to “bring that joy and excitement” to others. Here is the link to start the application process for GBSC if you are interested.
He has been in the press before. You might remember him as the Super Mario looking dude who wears a sweater under his white t-shirt (he beat you to it, hipsters). This dude has acquired more aliases than every single member of the Wu-Tang Clan combined. ODB has around 8 by himself!! WU TANG! Anyway, Khalid is, according to the 9/11 Commission Report, the “principal architect of the 9/11 attacks”. Khalid also likes to play League of Legends and Starcraft II. When asked about what race he uses in Starcraft II, he says, “Protoss, but Terran is imba.”
Ramzi bin al Shibh
The Cute One
Ramzi, Ramzi, Ramzi. You look good. Is that a white blazer with a pink shirt underneath? Ramzi bin al-Shibh helped do some coordinating for the attacks after being denied a Visa to the US multiple times. “If we let this guy in, he’ll steal all our women. Just look at his mustache!! DAMN!” I couldn’t agree more. I had a mustache once and ladies were constantly blowing up my phone “hey, when you gonna come over so we can watch Last of the Mohicans together?” The situation was out of hand.
To avoid creating a disturbance at Guantanamo Summer Camp, Ramzi grew out his beard so he would look a little bit more like James Harden. Doesn’t he know that James Harden attracts hot annoying girls (a little redundant) like Kate Upton? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and I kinda feel bad for the guy. Plus, what if Metta World Peace ends up at the camp and accidentally celebrates his elbow right into the side of his skull?! No matter what, Ramzi is gettin ladies. He can’t help it.
Good guy who gets high a lot now
Ammar met Kumar at Guantanamo Camp. Before camp, he had spent most of his time volunteering at homeless shelters and studying international business. He is an avid fan of the British media and music such as The Economist and S Club 7. I mean, we all know “there ain’t no party like an S Club Party.” Ammar had been spending too much time learning the S Club 7 dances so his parents decided that he could “use some time in the fresh air” and sent him to sunny Guantanamo.
At camp, Kumar gave him a “brownie” that changed his life. Now his mind is so clear and focused that he can literally comprehend anything and everything. That’s what weed does, right?
Mustafa used to live in the United States and his name was Moses Malone. No, not the greatest choke artists of all-time Karl Malone, but one of the greatest rebounders ever, Moses Malone. He would spend time throwing the ball at his own hoop and gettin the rebounds in hopes of getting a triple double somehow. Moses was drafted out of High School just like another superstar of our time, Kendrick Perkins. He ended his NBA career with 3 MVPs and 1 NBA championship. That’s Lebron-esque (minus the championship). Hey oh! After he got done with basketball, he went to Guantanamo Summer Camp to “get his mind off of basketball” and “reacquaint himself with nature and grass and crap like that”.
Walid Muhammad Salih Mubarak Bin’ Attash
I found out that this guy is my long lost identical twin. You don’t think so? Check this out. When asked who some of his heroes are, Attash answered “Captain Ahab, Heather Mills, Anthony Robles, and Long John Silver.” He spends most of his time “playing soccer, ice skating and practicing capoeira.”
So there is your Five 9/11 conspirators. They will be in the news more often now that the trial has started up (recess until sometime in June). When you see them on the telly you can tell your lady/guy friends “yeah, I know all about them” and next thing you know you’ll be making out and high fiving like crazy! Thank me later.