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5 for Fighting

Any of you remember 9/11? I do. Some of it at least.

This past Saturday, 5 men were arraigned in court for being conspirators to the evil master plan that was the 9/11 attacks. During the past couple years they have been hanging out in Guantanamo Bay detention camp learning various skills from building dream catchers and canoeing to archery and pottery. These 5 men never knew the thrill they would have hanging out with the US military as their parents dropped them off at Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp and whispered “مع السلامة” (ma`a as-salaamah) as they embraced before they drove off in their …camels/jeeps/station wagons. As their parents drove off, they all looked at each other, standing there with their luggage–this summer/6 years was gonna be the best of their fricken lives.

The Cast

 

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
The Ring Leader

“What it do?”

Don’t be fooled. This guy loves learning how to make bracelets. He couldn’t wait to come to Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp (GBSC). He says that when he gets older he wants to come back and work there because he “learned so much from” his counselors and wants to “bring that joy and excitement” to others. Here is the link to start the application process for GBSC if you are interested.

He has been in the press before. You might remember him as the Super Mario looking dude who wears a sweater under his white t-shirt (he beat you to it, hipsters). This dude has acquired more aliases than every single member of the Wu-Tang Clan combined. ODB has around 8 by himself!! WU TANG! Anyway, Khalid is, according to the 9/11 Commission Report, the “principal architect of the 9/11 attacks”. Khalid also likes to play League of Legends and Starcraft II. When asked about what race he uses in Starcraft II, he says, “Protoss, but Terran is imba.”

 

Ramzi bin al Shibh
The Cute One

“Hey girl, let’s cuddle on the couch. I want to hear about your day.”

Ramzi, Ramzi, Ramzi. You look good. Is that a white blazer with a pink shirt underneath? Ramzi bin al-Shibh helped do some coordinating for the attacks after being denied a Visa to the US multiple times. “If we let this guy in, he’ll steal all our women. Just look at his mustache!! DAMN!” I couldn’t agree more. I had a mustache once and ladies were constantly blowing up my phone “hey, when you gonna come over so we can watch Last of the Mohicans together?”  The situation was out of hand.

To avoid creating a disturbance at Guantanamo Summer Camp, Ramzi grew out his beard so he would look a little bit more like James Harden. Doesn’t he know that James Harden attracts hot annoying girls (a little redundant) like Kate Upton? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and I kinda feel bad for the guy. Plus, what if Metta World Peace ends up at the camp and accidentally celebrates his elbow right into the side of his skull?! No matter what, Ramzi is gettin ladies. He can’t help it.

 

Ammar al-Baluchi
Good guy who gets high a lot now

“Heyyyy maaaan, know where I can score some pot?”

Ammar met Kumar at Guantanamo Camp. Before camp, he had spent most of his time volunteering at homeless shelters and studying international business. He is an avid fan of the British media and music such as The Economist and S Club 7. I mean, we all know “there ain’t no party like an S Club Party.” Ammar had been spending too much time learning the S Club 7 dances so his parents decided that he could “use some time in the fresh air” and sent him to sunny Guantanamo.

At camp, Kumar gave him a “brownie” that changed his life. Now his mind is so clear and focused that he can literally comprehend anything and everything. That’s what weed does, right?

 

Mustafa al-Hawsawi
The Jock

Fo, fo, fo

Mustafa used to live in the United States and his name was Moses Malone. No, not the greatest choke artists of all-time Karl Malone, but one of the greatest rebounders ever, Moses Malone. He would spend time throwing the ball at his own hoop and gettin the rebounds in hopes of getting a triple double somehow. Moses was drafted out of High School just like another superstar of our time, Kendrick Perkins. He ended his NBA career with 3 MVPs and 1 NBA championship. That’s Lebron-esque (minus the championship). Hey oh! After he got done with basketball, he went to Guantanamo Summer Camp to “get his mind off of basketball” and “reacquaint himself with nature and grass and crap like that”.

 

Walid Muhammad Salih Mubarak Bin’ Attash
Normal Dude

“You stupid carnies!”

I found out that this guy is my long lost identical twin. You don’t think so? Check this out. When asked who some of his heroes are, Attash answered “Captain Ahab, Heather Mills, Anthony Robles, and Long John Silver.” He spends most of his time “playing soccer, ice skating and practicing capoeira.”

So there is your Five 9/11 conspirators. They will be in the news more often now that the trial has started up (recess until sometime in June). When you see them on the telly you can tell your lady/guy friends “yeah, I know all about them” and next thing you know you’ll be making out and high fiving like crazy! Thank me later.

I hate you, cancer.

Member and co-founder of the Beastie Boys, Adam Yauch, passed away today after battling that stupid throat cancer.

My first memory of the Beastie Boys was of my friend Brandon Earl playing “Girls” for Dave Price and me when we were staying at his house my 7th grade year. I wasn’t impressed. Then he played some Jerky Boys (they were kinda funny). From then until my sophomore year, in my mind, I thought the Beastie Boys were prank callers and every time someone wanted to listen to them I thought, “I don’t want to listen to stupid prank callers.” FOR THREE YEARS I missed out on Beastie Boys due to some crossed wires in my adolescent brain. (SIDE NOTE: We teepeed Brandon’s neighbors house that night and I saw an older sister of his kiss a boy in the drive way. THE TRUTH IS OUT!!!)

“Born and bred in Brooklyn in the USA/They call me Adam Yauch but I’m MCA/Like a lemon to a lime a lime to a lemon/I sip the def ale with all the fly women”.

My friend Cody White reintroduced me to the Beasties’ License to Ill when I was 14-15. I loved it. We rode in the back of his parents suburban while his mom drove from Spokane, WA to Moses Lake, blasting that obnoxious “Rhymin and Stealin“. I, on the other hand, couldn’t get enough of that drum sample from Led Zepplin’s “When The Levee Breaks“. Another friend, Todd, would make me mix CDs like crazy and would draw the Ultimate Truce symbol on the discs (The Ultimate Truce was a truce between Jordan, Todd, Brandon and I to not pee-pee tap each other). Each one of those CDs had “No Sleep ‘Till Brooklyn” on them. MCA was from Brooklyn. We would cruise around in our mini-vans (Todd, a friend Dallas and I all drove mini-vans when we turned 16 and called ourselves the MVP….mini van posse. It was a joke, people) and this song would inevitably come on. I’m assuming they won’t sleep until they get to Brooklyn?

“Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam/Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean/On the tough guy style I’m not too keen/To try to change the world I will plot and scheme”

With an insatiable appetite for all things Beastie Boys, I started to branch out and check out their other albums. Check Your Head, Paul’s Boutique, Ill Communication and Hello Nasty were the other albums they had out at the time. I’d blast “Remote Control” in my dad’s truck while leaving Lakeview Elementary after having done “140” hours of community service in Mr. Homan’s PE class. Before we started doing sprints in the wrestling room for practice, teammate and friend Chris Wentworth would throw on “Intergalactic” to get us pumped up to lose too much weight.

 “But like a dream I’m flowing without no stopping / Sweeter than a cherry pie with ready whip topping / Goin’ from mic to mic kickin’ it wall to wall /Well I’ll be calling out you people like a casting call”

In order to impress the ladies be cool, I printed off the lyrics to “So Whatcha Want” and would practice rapping along while the song played on loop. Man I was cool! My brain was too slow to pick up the lyrics after 100 times of listening. I needed 500. On trips to the nearest mall (an hour away) in Kennewick, I’d bombard my friend Krystin Davies with remix after remix after remix of “Root Down“. Pretty sure she hated me for that.

“Now here’s a little something that you might not like/My DJ’s name is Mix Master Mike/It’s a real pity that you people gotta bite/But I can understand ’cause he sounds so nice”

Another time, I drove down to Pendleton, Oregon with my twin, Grandpa Livingston, to pick up a truck. I drove back alone and missed the turnoff at Hermiston to head home by about an hour. I was too busy thinking about where to go to college in the future and thinking about my current girlfriend Kaylee, the whole time groovin to “Alive“.

“‘Cause I’m a craftsman, who ain’t fastin’ /I’ll take you to task everyone of ya’ll draftsman/I’m rehearsin’ and ain’t maskin’/Bringin’ the beat back and keepin’ it lastin'”

Before I left on a mission for my church (Mormon), I bought To The 5 Boroughs. Finally, I could be a true Beastie Boys fan and buy a Beastie Boys CD as soon as it came out. None of my friends gave a crap about the Beastie Boys. They liked Fall Out Boy and Big Tymers. It was a weird time in my life, and the Beasties were there rappin away as I thought about what life in South America for 2 years would be like and what girls would write me (very few did and if they did they only did for a couple weeks). I was lonely and the Beastie Boys comforted me by providing sick beats and fresh rhymes.

“So like a pimp I’m pimpin’/I got a boat to eat shrimp in/Nothing wrong with my leg just B-boy limpin’

I got back home from my mission and jumped right back into listening to the Beastie Boys. My spirit animal directed me towards tracks from Paul’s Boutique. To me, Paul’s Boutique has that authentic old school hip-hop sound. That was more Beastie Boys than their first album License to Ill. I had read so many interviews and listened to their music so much that I knew that their License to Ill album wasn’t who they really were deep down. They had matured and grown and changed. So had I. And it was sad to me that people wouldn’t take the Beastie Boys seriously because they were idiots when younger, even though they were completely different now. They didn’t seem to care. They did what the loved and didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. I felt the same way.

“Pass me the scalpel, I’ll make an incision/I’ll cut off the part of your brain that does the b***ing/Put it in formaldehyde and put it on the shelf/And you can show it to your friends and say that’s my old self”

Last year I bought their latest album, Hot Sauce Committee Pt. 2. It was so fresh sounding from everything else out there. All the Lil’ Waynes and the Drakes and the Nicki Minajs didn’t have nothing on this. True MCs with real old school beats, yet still fresh. FRESHHH people! What does fresh food taste like? That is what this music tasted like to my ears. A big, crunchy, juicy apple. I listened to the CD from Moses Lake, WA all the way to Mesa, AZ where I spent the next 8 months working at for a wilderness therapy program. Every week after getting home from 8 days (or more) in the wilderness with no music, phones or civilization in general, I’d climb into my car smelling like dirt, sweat, dried cheese and lentils, push the clutch in, turn the ignition and either “Make Some Noise“, “Nonstop Disco Powerpack” or “Don’t Play No Game That I Can’t Win” would fire up, bringing me back to the real world. It’s hot in Mesa, AZ so I’d drop the windows and cruise to Wal-mart at 12:30 at night and buy me some popsicles, all while the Beasties rapped to my heart.

Now MCA is gone. And I’m pretty sure the Beasties are done. But thanks for all the memories. RIP MCA.

School has started again (had spring break) and with that the inevitable blog post that comes with procrastination.

A few weeks ago, Jason Alexander came to UVU. A running diary ensued.

5:09 p.m. – After debating for about an hour, I decided to skip class to get good seats for “An Evening with Jason Alexander”. This is what I pay tuition for, right? Show starts at 7.

5:11 – A quick Wikipedia search will show that his real name isn’t George Costanza errr Jason Alexander, but Jason Scott Greenspan. Jason Scott Greenspan is Jason Alexander is George Costanza is Larry David. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty interesting.

5:17 – Crowd is starting to show up. Apparently Bill Nye came here last year? They keep talking about when he came.  Also, they are talking about Seinfeld episodes like we haven’t all seen them a million times. You people don’t even know each other. Quit being friendly.

5:20 – I’m waiting for my friend Brad to show up. I hope he shows up and tells these noobs to stop quoting Seinfeld. If anyone were to put down these fools, it would be CrzBooRad.

5:23 – The seats are in row 8. Should probably move up a row in honor of George and his future child, Seven. Oh hell, they are watching video clips now.

5:33 – Brad showed up. Now we can fight off these idiots with our blog posts making fun of them.

5:46 – Killin time by listening to “Over the Hills and Far Away” by Led Zeppelin. Got to get the Led out before this show starts.

6:09 – Girl in the 3rd row has a Vandelay Industries shirt on. I didn’t know that really existed.

6:13 – Brad hasn’t stopped looking at his phone since he got here. I don’t blame him–I’m horrible company. He’s probably just checking out the Tiger Wood’s Swing app. Or texting babes.

6:15 – Little do you guys know that Brad’s dad is very similar to a certain Seinfeld character.

6:25 – Some dude just walked by me smelling like pee. I’m jealous of his total disregard for social norms.

6:40 – Well, my math class just got out. I bet they are jealous of me and my seats. That’s what they get for trying to learn.

6:46 – Please let Larry David introduce Jason Alexander. I deserve it.

6:52 – So close.

6:53 – George Costanza has to be a hero to bald people everywhere. Bald people get discriminated against and my friend Corbin can attest to that.

6:59 – Trying to decide if he should get a standing ovation or not. What if this is Michael Jordan vs. Bryon Russell Part II and George doesn’t show up? Instead, it’s Wayne Knight?!?

7:04 – They haven’t started yet. Brad is about to leave.

Me: “Why haven’t they started yet?”

Brad: “Nobody treats Brad Earl this way! Brad Earl is about to leave!”

7:14 – George in the house! Time for Feats of Strength! Also, he got a standing ovation. Gave me chills.

7:15 – The girl giving the introduction called Jason “very attractive and intensely sexy.” Honestly, that is the only way to describe him.

7:17 – The school apparently put together a montage of his work. Some play stuff, some commercials, tv shows, Disney movies.

7:20 – Two standing ovations!

7:21 – “I’ve prepared absolutely nothing.” Yes!

7:24 – “I was born a poor black child in the same hospital as Whitney Houston. Rest her soul.”

7:26 – “I was a very serious magician when I was 6 years old…I was also 220 lbs. at age 8.”

7:28 – “There is no sight more horrendous than an obese child.”

7:34 – “The script of ‘Pretty Woman’ is completely different from the movie.” Explained how it was supposed to be a dark movie, but turned out to be the romantic comedy it is today.

7:40 – Telling his story about how he got on to Seinfeld. Epic.

7:42 – Story about seeing Larry David at a stand-up comedy club. Little did he know.

7:46 – “Seinfeld tested horribly. Worst testing in the history of television comedy.”

7:48 – “They put us on after Cheers in the 3rd season. The first episode that showed was the Contest.” Classic.

7:50 – “There is no time in anybody’s life where they go, ‘I need an actor.’” So, true.

7:52 – I think Brad is in love.

7:54 – So, he is going to have 2 students get up and do monologues and he is gonna critique them. Those students got rocks. Rocks!

7:57 – “Actors are lazy.” He talked about how actors act for themselves when you should be acting to help the other actors/actresses in the scene with you. Very interesting.

8:02 – “What makes a best friend, a best friend?” We are going deep here, people!

8:04 – “We don’t know what they think and feel. We only know what they do.” When you first read this you might think he is talking about women, but he’s actually talking about everyone.

8:08 – Dan the student is gonna do a monologue. This could get ugly. I have faith in him. Go Dan!

8:10 – “I’m not psychotic enough to think I’m George when I play George.”

8:32 – “Danny [student doing monologue], I’m gonna club you over the head with the microphone.”

8:37 – Almost time for Q&A.

8:38 – Before anyone could ask him, Jason said that he has no favorite episode of Seinfeld, but his favorite line is when asked about why he had relations with cleaning lady, he responded, “Was that wrong?”

9:00 – And another standing ovation to end it! That was sweet. Here is a video of some excerpts from the event.

Here are some of my favorite George moments.

5. George Costanza Does The Opposite

 

4. George Constanza’s Answer Machine

 

3. George Costanza routine

 

2. George Costanza on Lies

 

1. George Constanza Marine Biologist

 

 

Dead Presidents

In the past couple of blog posts I have whined about girls telling me “no” before they let me take them on a date and the consequences of me being an idiot in a relationship. This little bit won’t be about me being a complete pansy, whiny idiot, I assure you.

I’m a connoisseur of all things internet. I am also a connoisseur of all things awesome. This leads me to wander the internet for hours and hours and hours and hours….until I find that fleck of gold (sweet website) in my sieve (browser?). Awhile ago I found a doozy that will dazzle the imaginations of those that love dead presidents and other awesome things. I actually don’t remember how I found this guy’s site, but it has forever blessed my existence.

The artist known as Jason Heuser has a page on a website (deviantart.com) that hosts people’s pics and art and other such things. He goes by SharpWriter on the site and he has some of the sweetest combinations of Presidents/historical figures and sci-fi settings that the world of art has ever seen. CBS even got a hold of this guy to ask him about his depictions. You can buy his work on Etsy.com and there is even a pic (photoshopped?) with President Obama holding a pic of his (I swear there was a legit article with this, but I cannot find it). Anyway, I will be presenting/ranking the art.

 

9. Robotic Franklin D. Roosevelt stomping out what appears to be a Skynet robot.

"A date which will life in infamy". Click here for original

I like this one, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not as good as his other stuff. At least he makes a polio ridden president look bad-a. Notice the wheel chair and the sweet Bald Eagle.

 

8. Old Hickory, Andrew Jackson, wielding a gun and an Alien head.

"The people are the government, administering it by their agents; they are the government, the sovereign power." Click here for original

After Andrew Jackson got done gettin the national debt paid off, he decided to go dominate some aliens. I like this one, but I think it would be sweeter if it was an action shot with him choppin aliens heads off. I still dig it.

 

7. Benjamin Franklin vs. Zeus.

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Click here for original.

I had this as the background on my laptop for awhile. I think it’s awesome how Ben Franklin looks kinda like Raiden from Mortal Combat and has a american flag kite jetapack. Zeus has no chance

 

6. Paul Revere entering the Game Grid, Tron style, to let the colonists know that the British are coming (ft. Nyan Cat).

"To arms, to arms! The British are coming, the British are coming!" Click here for original

I love this one because of the Tron reference. The whole piece is filled with cultural references. Jason is pretty dang creative mixing history with modern sci-fi. I wish I had a sweet American flag cape like that. I would probably wear it for a week straight. Who would win between Jeff Bridges and Paul in the grid?? Also, you may see that Nyan Cat is there, lurking.

 

5. George Washington duel-wielding while blasting zombies in American flag hammer pants.

"There is nothing so likely to produce peace as to be well prepared to meet an enemy." Click for original

My favorite President, George Washington, is straight gangster, clowning on these zombies. To be honest, I had higher hopes for SharpWriter’s piece on George, but this will have to do. George is rocking a general top coat dealie, while duel-wielding handguns and cappin fools all while wearing hammer pants. Hammer pants allow one to move freely while still protecting his lower extremities. I hope Jason repeats some presidents because I would like to see more George Washington appearances.

 

4. John F. Kennedy scouring the moonscape for aliens on his Robot Unicorn with knife in hand.

 

"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." Click here for original

This is the newest one in the collection and it looks great. John really got the space program going, mostly so he could get to the moon himself and murder moon creatures with his bowie knife. The only way one can do this effectively is to be on a mechanized unicorn. Click here for color version. I instantly liked this because it had a unicorn in it.

 

3. Teddy Roosevelt bearing Old Glory while pumping some lead into Bigfoot.

"I'm as fit as a bull moose." Click here for original.

When being charged by a giant Bigfoot (there may be multiple Bigfoots, just look in the middle of the picture and you’ll see the silhouette of another), one might drop the flag in fear. Not Teddy. He chomps down on his cigar, widens his stance, and roasts some Sasquatch. I just got chills.

 

2. Thomas Jefferson presenting the Declaration of Independence to a Gorilla accompanied with a face punch.

"Whenever people are well-informed they can be trusted with their own government." Click here for original.

“Shutup you damn, dirty apes! We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. What don’t you get about that?!”

I like how he is holding up the document while he smacks that gorilla right in the mouth. Quills ready in their holsters and with a 2 Dollar bill belt buckle, TJ is ready to throw down!
1. Abraham Lincoln holding the Emancipation Proclamation and a gun while riding a bear

"Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it." Click here for original.

This one is my favorite. American flag saddle, huge grizzly bear (I’m assuming), top hat, Emancipation Proclamation in one hand, huge gun in the other, Abe Lincoln is ready to take on those dirty rebs and keep the Union intact! It would be sweet if it was a pic of Frederick Douglas and Abe taking it to those southerners or something like that. Here is a color version of this pic. There is an Abraham Lincoln movie coming out this year starring Daniel Day-Lewis (aka Nathaniel Bumpo aka Deer Slayer aka Hawkeye aka Long Rifle) as Abe himself. I can’t wait.

 

I would like to see some with some Native Americans. Maybe one of Sitting Bull or Crazy Horse against Gen. Custer? Or maybe one of Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad? I’m gonna keep my eye on this dude’s site to see what else he comes up with, but whatever it is, I know I’ll probably enjoy it.

Looking for Love?

Are you a helpless–or helpful–romantic who is looking for a sweet YouTube video to impress your loved one or significant other (not all significant others are loved) for Valentines Day? Are you thinking of just settling for some lame e-card? If you aren’t looking for that video, then you probably don’t want any smooches. If you are looking for that video and can’t find one that isn’t lame and sappy, then look no further!

Oasis is one of my favorite bands. Not too many people can claim that or do claim that or are even willing to admit that if they do. If you’ve heard of Oasis, you probably have only listened to “Wonderwall“. If you are that person, you probably love singing it at dessert parties and campfires. Also,you are probably super lame. C’mon mayne! The members of Oasis (well, at least Liam) don’t even like “Wonderwall“. Before and after that dreaded acoustic guitar ballad, Oasis rocked. And they made a little known doozy called “Slide Away”.

“Slide Away” is from their first album “Definitely Maybe” and it’s my favorite album of theirs. The songs are harder and less drawn out, plus the lyrics are simple, powerful and comprehensible.

So, if you are looking to rock your significant other’s pants off (didn’t mean that literally, but take it as you will) then go ahead and check this song out.

Written by Noel Gallagher himself and vocals by Liam Gallagher.

Here is the rock version (skip forward to :35 unless you want to hear swears):

And here is a softer version with Noel on the vocals:

“Slide Away” Lyrics

Slide away – and give it all you’ve got

My today – fell in from the top
I dream of you – and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?
Hold me down – all the world’s asleep
I need you now – you’ve knocked me off my feet
I dream of you – we talk of growing old
But you said please don’t !
Slide in baby – together we’ll fly
I’ve tried praying – and I know just what you’re saying to me
Now that you’re mine
I’ll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don’t know what to do
Two of a kind
We’ll find a way
To do what we’ve done
Let me be the one that shines with you
And we can slide away.

Slide away – and give it all you’ve got
My today – fell in from the top
I dream of you – and all the things you say
I wonder where you are now?

Slide in baby – together we’ll fly
I’ve tried praying – and I know just what you’re saying to me

Now that you’re mine
I’ll find a way
Of chasing the sun
Let me be the one that shines with you
In the morning when you don’t know what to do
Two of a kind We’ll find a way
To do what we’ve done

Each week I will be posting a Beastie Boys video. I started to do this daily on my friend Quin Stevenson‘s wall. He needs to be educated on the finer things in life. Too often is he trying to impress me by showing me Ke$ha vids. This needs to stop and what better way to do that than by flooding his life with Beastie Boys music.

Beasties don’t just honor anyone.

0:01 – Beasties start out by rappin “Here We Go” by Run DMC

0:10 – I haven’t seen any live rap/hip-hop performances, but I have watched a lot on YouTube and I have to say that the Beastie Boys are some of the best.

0:15 – Shot of the crowd. Looks like we got some celebs in there. We can at least see D.M.C (Darryl McDaniels). All of them head bobbin to the simple, yet sick beat.

1:18 – What ever happened to hip-hop groups?

1:32 – Dude looks like Rick James. “Cocaine is a helluva drug

1:42 – Chicks with cocktail dresses in the crowd? Super lame. Get some real fans in there, please.

2:06 – Flava flav spotting. I don’t see Chuck D though. Does Flav wear a clock absolutely everywhere? Or just in public? I wonder how many he owns.

2:42 – Mix Master Mike takes a break and lets Doug E. Fresh take over. I get goosebumps every time I watch this. Ladies, don’t watch right after shaving.

2:56 – So happy

3:11 – Flava Flav seems to be wearing sweats that are 18 times too big for him.

3:30 – We love you Jay.

I got a red card and was informed I had to talk to the Intramural office before I could play again. I went in to talk to them multiple times, but they were never there. In their defense, I didn’t make an appointment. I ended up missing the rest of that soccer season. I think I missed 3 games total. Not a big deal.

That little scuffle was two years ago. A lot has happened since then. I have toned down my aggressiveness in sports. I grew a beard and shaved it. The Miami Heat acquired LeBron James and Chris Bosh, promised they would win 8 championships, and then lost to the Mavericks in the NBA Finals. I worked in the ghettos of South Chicago for AMP Security (which screwed me out of money, but that’s another story). I met Kelly Hightower (he’s actually a boy. Crazy huh?!). I worked at Anasazi and changed my outlook on a lot of things. A lot had changed in my life.

But none of that mattered to BYU. Rules were made to be followed regardless of the situation.

I wanted to sign up for another intramural team, but before the season started, I wanted to make sure that BYU wouldn’t try suspend me for something I did–and missed games for–two years ago.

I called the Intramural office and went in and talked to them. I went into the office of one of the director dudes and we talked about what happened. I said exactly what happened and told him I knew it was wrong and that I’ve already missed games for it so I just wanted to get this talk over with and be able to play. He proceeded to give me a lecture about the seriousness of the situation. I honestly felt like he was trying to hear himself talk like a Bishop. He also told me that I received 2 other red cards (which I was not informed of ) in the same game. I told him they never told me about those (they were for threatening another player and swearing), but he could care less–he is too busy following every rule ever invented.

I started out saying all the things that I thought that he wanted to hear, but that didn’t last long. He told me he would have to meet with the other directors (I don’t know what they are called) and figure out what my suspension would be and that I should count on at least a one game suspension.

Ex-squeeze me? A-Baking powder? (Waynes World reference)

“Wait, why should I be suspended at all if this happened 2 years ago and I missed games then??”

“Well, it just has to happen.”

“Why does it have to happen? Is there a rule or policy that says so?’

“No, it is a serious offense and that requires a serious punishment.”

“So, if there is no rule that says I have to be suspended, you’re basically telling me that you want to me to not play. Right?”

“No. It just has to be this way.”

“No it doesn’t. You want it to be this way. Or else you’d say “time served, lesson learned, have fun. But have the BYU mentality of enforcing every little thing even when it doesn’t apply.”

“It just needs to happen. We just want everyone to have fun.”

“You also don’t want me to play thus not allowing me to have fun.”

We went on to discuss some other things like me having to pay to be suspended. Why would I pay money and not play? I don’t know if he grasped that argument. At one point in the conversation he told me I was ticking him off (I think it was when I was ripping on the refs for not doing anything). One last time I asked him if he would just not suspend me. Nope.

I left and got a refund.

A couple weeks later I got this letter in the mail.

BYU Office of Intramural Activities is full of clowns

Not only did I get suspended, but I got suspended for the whole semester??? For something I did 2 years ago and missed games for??

I guess that’s what I get for questioning things at BYU and, to quote the late (and sarcastic) Hugh Nibley, “as for the rest, we do not question things at “the BYU”.

Awesome.