Archive for April, 2011

Game 3 of the Celtics-Knicks series at Madison Square Garden. Once again I’m doin the running blog/diary gimmick that my favorite write, Bill Simmons, does. All credit to him for this idea.

Pre-game: Um, the game is on ESPN so hopefully it won’t be Jeff Van Gundy, Mark Jackson and the other guy as the announcers. They are the worst.

Chauncey Billups is not playing. Amare Stoudemire is playing though. I don’t know if either of those are good for the Celtics.

Tip off!

11:48 – My roommate Kelly just left for California. I officially hate him. I’m now the only person at my house.

11:15 – Paul Pierce with the first points. He has the sexiest facial hair. That’s a fact.

10:28 – I wish Reggie Miller was in this game to grab his balls and give the choke sign.

9:45 – 6-0 Celtics with Pierce at the line. Turiaf fouled him. Is he the only active Gonzaga alum in the NBA? Why can’t Gonzaga get some decent dudes in the NBA?

9:15 – Remember how the Cavs could’ve had Stoudemire with Lebron at Cleveland last year, but instead they got Shaq? Great GM move.

9:10 – 9-0 start for the Celtics. Bill Simmons says Toney Douglas is one of those “Irrational Confidence” guys. I think Corbin is an irrational confidence guy when it comes to girls. Hey oh!

8:05 – 9-3 Celtics. 2 fouls on Turiaf! Represent. I hope Jermain O’neal punches Spike Lee right in the face.

7:23 – Knicks 1-7 with 4 turnovers. Great start for the Knicks!

6:46 – 12-3 Celtics. Here is a sweet Jeff Van Gundy highlight when he coached the Knicks.

6:12 – 12-5 Boston.

Commercial Break

5:55 –  16-5 Boston. Knicks are foulin like crazy. Me gusta.

5:32 – Mark Jackson has to be the most smug announcer ever. Give me Reggie Miller!

4:44 – 20-5 Celtics. Hey oh. I wish I knew more people from New York or people who liked NY so I could rub this in their faces.

3:07 – Delonte West will forever be known as the guy who not only owned a 3 wheel motorcycle dealie, but also got pulled over on it with like 8 guns in a guitar case. Gangsta.


Apparently the new chicken tender from BK is like an iPhone? Also, a new Mortal Kombat game is coming out. Yes!

The last Knicks playoff win was approximately 345 years ago.

2:22 – Knicks making a mini run here. 22-13 Celtics.

1:46 – Is Delonte West white or black?

1:31 – Mark Jackson lets us know Rondo is the best Connect 4 player ever. That’s why they pay him the big bucks.

56 secs – 25-16 celtics.

20 secs – Spike Lee has a towel on? Or is that a cape?

End of the First Quarter.

Commercial for a Ford Truck. Must suck to own a truck right now with gas costing a kidney to fill up the tank.

Doc Rivers son is the #1 High School prospect. And he wants to destroy Lebron.

11:41 – Spike Lee with a towel on.

11:03 – 29-10 Celtics. Jeff Green at the line. Sucking.

9:55 – Amare with his first bucket. 29-24 Boston.

9:10 – Bill Walker learns to shoot between last game and this game.

8:03 – An ugly couple of plays. 34-29 Boston.


Some girl downloads Gulliver’s Travel on Verizon 4G?  Does she know it’s not about vampires?

For the longest time I didn’t know Stuart Scot had a lazy eye.

7:59 – If you know a ref’s name then he isn’t doing his job correctly aka Joey Crawford.

7:29 – From the fake Bill Walton on Twitter “When taking a shot Ray Allen meditates momentarily, harnessing a higher percentage of his brain power before breaking the laws of gravity.”

6:48 – 10 Turnovers by the Celtics.

6:33 – Doesn’t Melo know you can only wear one sleeve?

5:59 – sexy rebounding and ball handling by Rondo. 40-30 Boston.


Domino’s wants me to send in part of the box? I’m not gonna do that. Dumb idea.

5:04 – Knicks with a couple of baskets. 40-35 Boston.

4:21 – Anthony was out of bounds. Jeff Van Gundy agrees with me. He’s still annoying.

3:44 – 42-35 Celtics. Rondo and Williams playin dodgeball.

2:40 – Crazy passin and ball handling by Rondo. 46-37 Celtics.



Why would you take your phone skydiving? Seems risky to me.

2:27 – 47-37 Boston. 11 points for Melo and 3 for Stoudemire.

1:16 – Allen for 3!

36 secs – 52-42 Boston. Knicks with the stand around defense. I love it.

17 secs – Foul on Jermaine. I just got a Facebook notification for someone else gettin married. Who gets married?

2 secs – Foul on Jefferies at the end of the half. Smart foul!

Here is a sweet vid that I posted on my friend, Jordan Baker’s, facebook wall.


Ok, I love Chris Mullin. He is awesome, but he is the worst studio commentator. Jalen Rose is also kinda annoying. So, is Stuart Scot. I need Ernie, Kenny and Charles!

Mel Kiper is a weirdo.

How does ESPN not get any good in studio commentators? The Mothership needs to get its act together.

HAHAHA Mullin just called Chris Paul “Christopher Paul”. No need to be so formal, Guile.

If any ladies are reading this, come over and hang out with me. Thank you.

Worst thing happened this morning. I wake up at 7 to watch Dan Patrick Show and it was a re-run. Worst ever. You know how much of a sacrifice it is for me to get up that early?!

@TheBillWalton on twitter (fake Bill Walton, but hilarious) says “Dwight Howard brings to mind Fezzik from ‘Princess Bride’, able to defeat a small army alone but when played 1 on 1 his power is neutralized” I love this Twitter account.

Does Kenny Mayne do any actual reporting anymore? Or does he just stick to acting like an idiot 100% of the time?

Like a good neighbor state farm is there…..with a bunch of hot chicks that love me…..and some chicken wings.

The only Atlanta Hawks fan I know, Roman Daniels-Brown, needs to will his team to win this game between Atlanta and Orlando.

Melo has the worst mustache.

Start of 3rd Quarter

11:35 – Allen has 5 3’s tonight. 55-44 Boston.

11:02 – Mark Jackson clearly is jealous of Rondo’s skills.

10:08 – Ray Allen fouls Turiaf. Allen hardly ever complains after a foul. That’s why I love him.

9:34 – Mike Diantoni is about to have a brain aneurysm due to the Knicks lack of D. 58-50 Boston.

9:01 – Paul Pierce is lighting someone up. Melo?

8:42 – 63-50 Celtics. Timeout New York. Me gusta.


“Jumping the Broom” looks like a great movie. Can’t wait til it comes out so I can spend $8 watching it in theater.

8:25 – Jermain O’Neal clotheslines Douglas.

8:13 – Ray Allen runs around 5 miles a game. Garnett with the J. 65-52 Boston.

7:25 – Old Rondo is on the court today with 12 assists.  69-54 Celts.

6:27 – I am gonna play some Starcraft 2 tonight. Fyi.

5:37 – 73-56 Celts. Allen fouls Melo cause his mustache is disgusting.

5:10 – Boston is dominating right meow.

4:28- Mike Breen has told us about 8 times that Boston is putting on a clinic.

3:42 – 77-56 Boston. The clinic continues.

3:26 – What is more disgusting: Dog poop or Melo’s mustache?

2:49 – Foul on Jeff Green. Timeout.


Charlie Murphy is the voice for one of those talking basketballs. Charlie Murphy!!!!!!! Unity! What did the 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP!

Hawks are leading the Magic right now. Roman is willing them!

2:24 – Mike D’Antoni has a black man’s voice.

1:45  – 82-61 Boston.

40 secs – Ray Allen is 9-15 with 26 pts.

4 secs – Rondo messed around and got a triple double….Ice Cube style.


Mark Jackson last person with a triple-double against the Knicks in the playoffs.

11:41 – 86-65 Boston. Yawn.

11:14 – Ok, how can I get Michelle Beadle to marry me? Send me your ideas.

10:08 – Lisa grilling David Stern on the Collective Bargaining Agreement. Sheesh.

9:30 – Boston’s bench sucks so we got to keep the starters in.

8:56 – 88-72 Boston. Fields at the line. Sucking.

8:44- Knicks refuse to guard Pierce. Great idea.


Here is a link to some sweet NBA shirts online.

8:14 – Melo on the bench. Nice.

7:33 – @EricStangel tweets “On court for Knicks- Douglas, Fields, Jeffries, Walker, Williams. Guess D’Antoni isn’t looking to make a comeback”

7:00 – Allen hits a three. Yawn.

6:44 – 96-76 boston. Bring on Miami.

3:45 – Boston has 13 3’s tonight. Most have been wide open.


Tyler Perry needs to die or something. He is ruining the planet with his crappy comedies (movies and tv shows). They are horrible. STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m done blogging. Switch over to the Hawks-Magic game. This game is over. Thanks for reading! Tell your friends about me!

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Tonight I’m gonna be doing a running blog of the Men’s Basketball National Championship game. This is something my favorite writer, Bill Simmons, does.

Pre-game: Coach Jim Calhoun is giving his UConn Huskies a little pre-game speech. I wonder how old white dudes relate to young black men?

Shots of the Butler band. Being a cheerleader or in the band has got to be a sweet gig for these college kids. Travelling around for free for a month getting to watch sweet basketball.

Leann Rimes (or however you spell her name) is singing the national anthem. Best national anthem singer for me is the dude that sings the national anthem for the Chicago Blackhawks. Here is a link. Skip forward to 1:50.

Player introductions. You know they are spittin on their hands.

Meanwhile, BYU fans are wondering who is gonna get Jimmered tonight.

I got to pee! Be right back!



UConn gets the tipoff and scores first 2-0 Huskies.

18:49 – Butler answers with a 3 ball. Butler is lookin good. 3 white dudes starting. I don’t know if that’s good or not.

17:33 – Playing in a stadium supposedly throws off their shooting. I know when I play in big churches that throws my shooting off…..

17:06 – 3-4 UConn! We got a barn burner!

16:31 – Lot of missed shots here to open up.

(Did anyone notice that they switched cameras at the start? They had UConn going to our right and then Butler going to our right. Threw me off.)

Commercial Break! I’m thinkin about buying a Buick and killing those Coke Zero guys.

Butler is 1-5 from 3 point land. The amount of white guys on floor is directly proportionate to the amount of three pointers shot.

15:40 – 3-4 still. UConn up by 2 half points.

15:15 – Howard from Butler with the 3 ball. The arm holes for his jersey are entirely too big.

14:09 – 6-8 UConn.

13:19 – Howard fouled and he misses his first shot. Nobody is making jack crap.

12:59 – Kemba Walker answers with a 3. He’s gonna be a lottery pick! (idk)

12:34 – Kemba goes to the line. Is there a large standing room only area at each end of the court? aka suckiest seats ever.

12:19 – Kemba goes to the bench for the first time in the last 4 games.

Commercial. 9 – 13 UConn. Dr. Dre makes computers? How about he comes out with another CD instead. Exxplosive!

I need to ask a girl on a date so I can take her to see that Hop movie so that we for sure won’t have a 2nd date.

11:45 – Buttler has 1 fg in last 7 minutes. Not a good stat. I’ve picked my nose 6 times in that period. That is a good stat.

10:44 – Approximately 763 missed shots so far in this game.

9:50 – Jim Nantz is pronouncing UConn’s Nored as Norad. I love it when Norad has the Santa tracker.

9:04 – UConn goes over the foul limit. Meanwhile Survivor is still on the air? Take that crap off already. 12-13 UConn.

8:45 – Facebook friend Jared Bates says Butler coach Brad Stevens looks like Rick Moranis. A sexy Rick Moranis….which is basically redundant.

8:14 – tie game at 13! I told you it was gonna be a barn burner.

7:13 – Jimmer for 3!!! or some other white dude for Butler.

6:44 – Time out! Butler up by 1. Commercial. If I have to see these Coke Zero idiots slap each other one more time…I’m gonna hit my roommate Corbin Earl as hard as I can in the face.

Remember when Alec Baldwin used to stop nuclear wars by boarding submarines and chummin it up with the Ruskies? Those were the days.

Pat Forde for espn.com telling me via twitter that they are shooting a combined 11 for 43. Wow.

6:11 – 16-19 UConn.

5:32 – Howard can’t hit anything.

4:47 – Don’t worry. Everyone is still missin shots.

3:59 – Butler scores. It’s 19-19. This game will be lucky to break 60 points. I’ve drank a half a gallon of water for some reason so I have to pee again. Brb!

Like a good neighbor state farm is there! With Jimmer scoring and making this game watchable!

Apparently I need to go golfing more cause thats where all the hot ladies are.

Sooo can anyone else not wait to see Fast and the Furious 5???

3:39 – Tim Cowlishaw tweets “Uconn trying to become first team to win championship game with more rebounds than points?” Umm yes.

3:21 – Jim Nantz says teams are shooting a combined 28%. That’s what I’ve been getting on my Spanish tests lately.

2:46 – 19-19 still. You got to be kidding me. I’ve seen higher scores in hockey games.

1:47 – Naismith award coming out at halftime! That means we got Jimmer in the house!!

1:04 – UConn is gonna hold it so they can get the last missed shot.

Mack with the BUZZER BEATER!!!!!!

22-19 going into the half. Is Brad Stevens single?? Can’t wait to hear what Chuck has to say on this game.

Uconn trying to become first team to win championship game with more rebounds than points?


Buffalo wild wings with old football commercials during a basketball game. Classy. Like a good neighbor state farm is there with a hot girl and some hot wings! IT WORKED!!

Butler shoots 22% in the first half.

Sweet Dodge Challenger commercial. hahahaha That was the high point to this game so far.

Nobody told me the Rock is in the Fast Five movie! This is the 13th best day of my life.

Greg Anthony comes right out of the gate saying this is the worst half of basketball he’s seen in a championship game ever. Hey! Keep your opinion to yourself!

Seth Davis seconds Greg Anthony’s motion that this game sucks.

Kenny lets us know there are two halves in this game. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Butler made 6 FGs says Chuck. Not a lot to break down in this game. Combined shooting percentage is less than 26%. Maybe they should lower the hoops?

Siegfried and Jensen commercials creep me out. Just saying.

Jimmer! Jimmer! Jimmer! How about they bring Jimmer out and he gets to be all time offense? He doesn’t really play defense anyway.

Chuck with the shoutout to Jimmer!

Barkley compares the game to dating ugly chicks. I know what you mean Chuck.

Holly Robinson Peete was on Hanging with Mr. Cooper, one of my favorite black sitcoms alongside Family Matters and none of Tyler Perry’s crap.

I need a Cadbury Creme egg. Stat.

Game on snitches!

Uconn trying to become first team to win championship game with more rebounds than points?

19:30 – Butler with the quick 2 to go up 23-19. I just ate a can of tuna straight out of the can. It’s official. I’m poor.

18:50 – 25-21. I must’ve missed some scoring in there.

18:28 – Kemba with the 2.

17:37 – Uconn goes up 26-25. Finally peeps are scoring.

16:47 – sloppy play. kinda makes me want sloppy joes. Too bad I started this running blog or I would’ve probably changed the channel by now.

16:19 – hot girl behind the UConn bench. Stay tuned for further details.

15:54 – Butler is never gonna score in the paint. They are 1 for 17 on 2 point shots right now. Ouch.

Coaches wives aren’t the hottest I’ve ever seen. I’m sure their personalities are great though!

15:30 – UConn goes up 29-26.

14:41 – For the love of all that is good please start making shots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

side note: When is Tiger Woods going to be good again?

13:45 – Jim Nantz informing me that Butler has missed last 11 shots. This is fugly. Fantastically ugly.

Butler has zero points in the paint. 1 for 14 this half. Only down 5. Amazing beans.

12:50 – Lamb of Uconn lighting it up…for this game. Butler 7 for 41 from the field. That’s like a Kobe Bryant stat. hey oh!

11:51 – I feel like UConn is running away with it and they are up 33-28.

11:50 – 35-28 Uconn. My fingers smell weird from the tuna I ate. I need to wash them.

11:07 – Lamb is going to town. AHHH I thought for sure that big white dude was gonna make that lay in. Just not Butler’s night apparently.

10:05 -” UConn is on a roll. A Finger roll” Great announcing Nantz.

9:40 – Those rims are like the ones at carnival games.

9:20 – Uconn fouls a half a mile away from the basket.

8:38 – CBS puts on a poor shooting highlight reel. That’s basically every shot.

7:37 – I seriously wonder if Butler will ever score in the paint. 41-28 Uconn.

6:19 – It happened!!!!!!!!!! They scored down low!!!!!

Commercial. If you don’t got an iPhone then you suck. Classic snoody iPhone marketing. Good thing I got an iPhone though.

Hot girl sighting in student section. Developing story.

5:26 – Butler down by 14. I feel like this game is over seeing how they hardly scored that much in the first half.

5:11 – My idol Bill Simmons just tweeted “April, 2011: the month that women’s college basketball caught up to men’s college basketball.” Sad day. No offense ladies.

3:17 – Anything else going on tonight?

Commercial. King Speech has a pg-13 version? That’s kinda weird.

3:01 – Sometimes I hear swear words. I’m just waiting for a super loud F bomb.

2:08 – ESPN Steve Levy just tweeted that Butler is shooting 18%. Man oh man.

1:50 – How can these teams be shooting this bad? Whoa. Butler down by 8.

55 secs – Suckiest game I ever watched minus every single intramural game I’ve ever seen.

16 secs – Can’t wait for Nantz final call.

“Huskies are the top dog”. Did someone just get shot?

Uconn wins but this will just be vacated when Jim Calhoun gets investigated.

Thanks for all that followed! Long Live Jimmer!

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