Since I spend a good majority of my time away from society, I have decided to grow a beard. Yeah. I’m focusing all my energy that I had previously focused on dating to growing a beard. A beard will appreciate me for who I am inside anyway. It won’t treat me like a piece of meat! Now, I have attempted to do this many times before and have come pretty close to growing what could be defined as a beard.
As you can see in exhibit A that beard isn’t that sweet. I have a cousin named Jake who grows a sweet beard. May I present to the jury Exhibit B.
This is Jake and his beard is beyond awesome (and this isn’t even the peak of this beard’s awesomeness). Now Jake and I have some of the same genes so I know I can achieve beard nirvana one day. The key is to have patience and lots of manliness running through my veins like a stampede of wild buffalo aka tatanka.
I was feeling my beard today while thinking about all the potential it has and day dreaming about what it one day may become, just as a father thinks about what his child will grow to be in the future. My beard is my child. My legacy. My hope. My glory. As I pondered, the heavens opened up and this is what I saw:
Anyway. So I was pondering on the great eternal question “how can my beard be the best that it can be?” when I decided to consult the person that knows everything–the internet. The internet sent me to a couple sites that enlightened me to a better way of being.
The first site was The Beard Coach. I learned a lot about the importance of beards in society and the role they play in helping the average person distinguish between lame-o’s and super awesome manly dudes. The author is politically active and has written the president about how beards can help this country. There are also some rad pics of beards from recent beard contests.
The second site was www.biggerbetterbeards.org which lists 10 reasons why we should grow big beards. I really like number 7 the most because I love and care my friends (and family). I just want them to be safe and that is part of the reason I have undertaken this challenge to grow a bigger better beard. I just want my friends to be able to see their future children and look them in the eyes and tell them they love them.
Third site from Esquire gives us classification of different types of facial hair. Kingdom, phylum/division, class, order, family, genus, species. We need to know these things to be able to group and categorize beards by biological type. It’s for humanity’s own good.
The last site is beards.org. A great site that has tips on how to groom and color your beard, success stories, questions and galleries of beards.
Now, all of you guys that can’t grow beards and think that people might think you’re less manly–its ok. You are less manly, but you can overcome that by lying to everyone and saying you are Native American. They are bad A and they can’t grow facial hair.
Let us all join hands and pray that my beard will turn out as I envisioned. Thank you.