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Archive for November, 2011

I just got done watching Pure Country (a film starring the one and only George Strait) and it’s probably one of the greatest films about a country singer named Dusty who leaves his band, finds himself, and gets back with his band in the end. And we all know there are a million films like that. So that says a lot.

George Strait does work in this movie. The rest of the cast attempts to do work and succeeds for most of the movie. I was watching this humdinger, thinking to myself, “man, there is a lot of good ole fashion wisdom in this movie that I need to apply to my life.” That’s the great thing about America, people. We have movies that teach us so we don’t have to read. God Bless America!

Uh. Us dudes can't hold a candle to this sex machine

We are taught about the pollution in California by Pure Country

Lula Rogers: [Earl is leaning against the back of Dusty’s tour bus, breathing in the exhaust fumes] Earl, *what* are you doing?
Earl Blackstock: Just tryin’ to feel like I was back in California.

HA. Classic!

We can also learn what is wrong with this country (and you might even be surprised!)

Ernest Tucker (old grandpa farmer): People talk too damn much for my taste. Yappin’ about this or that, when he ought to be eatin’, workin’, or sleepin’. We know Harley was out late last night. We know she was a little slow on her ride, I mean, that’s no front page news! So why talk about it?
Dusty Wyatt Chandler (George Strait): I guess I see what you’re saying.
Ernest Tucker: You GUESS? NEVER guess. I mean, you gotta KNOW what you’re doing! Otherwise, you leave yourself wide open to suggestion. And that, to my mind is the problem with this whole damn country.

Please, don’t leave yourself open to suggestion. Stand by your morals and what you know is right, you lousy bums!

And last and also least, I learned that if you are a rich, famous, and super hot country singer that wears super tight wranglers and has a sexy walk, you can just get chicks (and their families) into your shows for free and sing for them and they will fall in love with you. I’m going to have to put this into effect right meow.

Also, more lastest, call people by their titles (Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr., etc.). Don’t call them chicks (like I did earlier in this post) or dudes (jk. call them dudes all you want).

Harley Tucker: You’re quite a talented man, Mr. Wyatt
Dusty Chandler: And you’re quite a woman, Ms. Harley

Garth Brooks never made a movie this sweet. Long live George Strait!

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Interesting infographic (because I can’t learn without pictures) from buzzfeed.com.

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Let’s do this people.

4. Jupiter – This is a sweet name. Don’t hate. Jupiter will grow up and get into a knife fight with a man that will insult his mother. Jupiter will kill the man, but will lose an eye. He will then wear an eye patch for the rest of his life. None of this glass eye stuff. He’ll rock the crap outta that eye patch and all those little turds that wear skinny jeans will see him and realize he is awesome. They will start wearing eye patches to try and be like him and he’ll hunt each one down and personally cut one of their eyes out. This is starting to get a little gruesome. Ummm he’ll also read poetry and stuff. Manly poetry.

5. Matador – This son will speak 7 languages: English, Arabic, Spanish, Mandarin, Russian, Japanese and a new language that he will invent called Man language. He will rock a mustache (is it mustache or moustache?) most of his life. This moustache will be one of those ones that curls at each end and is formed with wax. Except his will naturally do that. Some of his life accomplishments will be: curing cancer, curing the world of hippies and hipsters, bowling a 300 and avoid wearing his hat off to the side his entire life. He will go to Alaska and fill a canteen with glacier water then hike down to Chile and get another canteen of glacier water. He will mix the 2 and drink them, allowing him to live for eternity and fight in every major battle. Kind of like Wolverine, but less moody and emotional.

6. Washington – The greatest State in the Union is named after the greatest American to ever live: George Washington. My kids will only be allowed to get 2 tattoos. The first one they can get is of the American Flag and it has to be placed over their heart. The second one they can get will be of George Washington’s face. That’s it. Anyway. My son, Washington, will roam around the state of Washington eradicating it of hippies and lazy bums. He will personally build a wall around its borders in order to keep Washington a blissful utopia. The only weapon he’ll use is a hatchet.

7. Atticus – My last son will be named after the hero of my favorite book “To Kill A Mockingbird”. He’ll probably look like Gregory Peck. “Out of the way peck!” 5 points to whoever can name that movie without googling it. This kid will play the violin, piano, cello, kazoo, guitar and drums. He’ll never play for money though so he’ll have to get a job doin something else. He sure as hell won’t be a lawyer though. Mostly I just want him to be as awesome as Atticus. Maybe he’ll get the hint.

Those are the names of my 7 sons. When they get older and are living in the mountains, the oldest will go into town and find a lady and the rest will want to also. Then they will go and steal wives. This will save them lots of time and money and broken hearts.

Moral of the story: Make sure you steal your wife and have an avalanche block the only way to your cabin. And leave a comment.

 

(UPDATE: Watch this)

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As a human and a man, I often find myself searching my soul to figure out how to become a better person and how to fix those weak spots in my character. I spent the last the last 7-8 months studying at the feet of the Master that teaches us all we need to know to progress in life and find happiness and satisfaction. The Master asked me to really take a journey in the depths of my soul and see what I came up with. I took this to heart and started to meditate and ponder more than I had ever done in my life. I took to asking myself some of the toughest questions I’ve ever been confronted with. There was one in particular that caused me so much turmoil and anguish that I almost gave way under the intense mental burden that it cast upon my mind. The question was this: What are going to be the names of my 7 awesome sons?

 

1. Seamus – My first born child will be named Seamus. It is kind of this on-going joke that my Dad has had to name one of his kids Seamus. When my youngest sister Tessa was being constructed, my Dad would torment my Mom by saying stuff like, “We should definitely name the child Seamus.” My Mom would roll her eyes and tell him he was an idiot. But I think my Dad was on to something. Seamus is a sweet name. It’s powerful. It’s mysterious. It’s consuming. It gives you goose bumps when you say it. Go ahead. Say it. Seamus. Wooo. I just got chills.

2. Livingston — This is my middle name and my mother’s maiden name. My second son will be blessed with this name and it will signify his strength and power. Livingston was originally spelled Livingstone or Living Stone. He will be a Living Stone and crush all those that oppose him. SMASH! I will raise him to be a middle linebacker so he can make millions in the NFL and put me up in a nice mansion before I get too old. Also, he will grow a beard when he is 11 and once it grows out to be a foot long he will never trim it shorter than 12 inches or else I will change his name to Dainty Flower.

3. Herschel (nickname will be Huff) — One day, my friend Todd Palmer and I were sittin in class trying our hardest not to pay attention. It was Psychology at Big Bend and we were doing a good job of not being educated. We were sitting in the back trying to figure out cool names that we could give ourselves. We wrote all 26 letters of the alphabet on a piece of paper in no order all over the paper. One of us closed our eyes and pointed at the paper randomly to see what letter our name would start with. We picked H and then we came up with names starting with H. Mine was Herschel (I love Herschel Walker) and Todd’s was Hudervante—which I have stolen for my Xbox gamertag. I was talking to my sister today and she told me that Herschel is a family name on my dad’s side. I knew it all along. I’m a genius (if I keep telling myself then it will come true). This son will chase down Elk and Bears and Mountain Lions and slay them using only a knife with a stone blade. He will then wear only animal hides.

Stay tuned for the last 4 names in Part II.

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It’s the year 2011. Humanity has been taken over by robots. They control our thoughts and actions. Some have broken free of their control and have formed a resistance group. Those few brave souls call themselves the Granolas.

Ahh the Granolas. A peculiar group of people that love nature, wearing “weird” clothes (chacos, hiking pants, other outdoor gear, etc. Apparently grandpa Carhart jeans are gaining popularity with them also) in urban areas, driving subarus, not knowing how to use complex technological devices like computers and calculators and light switches. They usually travel in groups and talk about climbing and camping. The granola men seemed to be malnourished for they are about 60 lbs lighter than the “normal” man. The granola women don’t usually paint their faces.

This band of rebels has been flying under the radar for quite sometime. You might ask, why haven’t the robots been able to infiltrate their ranks? The Granolas adhere to a strict code of “trying to be cool by acting not cool”. This allows them to not use technology like the rest of the world while still being able to be “cool”. (We all know that being cool is in the eye of the beholder–except Granolas. They don’t know that.)

They have established places of refuge where they can meet and plan their attacks on the machine controlled world. REI and climbing gyms are their strongholds. The leaders(the rich) occupy Patagonia stores and other such “retail outlets”. Waiting. Watching. Plotting.

If you are unsure whether or not someone is a Granola, check their feet for weird Chaco tanlines. You can also smell their armpits. Granolas don’t use deodorant. Except some girl Granolas. They will use men’s deodorant to be more musky and manly.

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