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Archive for March, 2012

School has started again (had spring break) and with that the inevitable blog post that comes with procrastination.

A few weeks ago, Jason Alexander came to UVU. A running diary ensued.

5:09 p.m. – After debating for about an hour, I decided to skip class to get good seats for “An Evening with Jason Alexander”. This is what I pay tuition for, right? Show starts at 7.

5:11 – A quick Wikipedia search will show that his real name isn’t George Costanza errr Jason Alexander, but Jason Scott Greenspan. Jason Scott Greenspan is Jason Alexander is George Costanza is Larry David. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty interesting.

5:17 – Crowd is starting to show up. Apparently Bill Nye came here last year? They keep talking about when he came.  Also, they are talking about Seinfeld episodes like we haven’t all seen them a million times. You people don’t even know each other. Quit being friendly.

5:20 – I’m waiting for my friend Brad to show up. I hope he shows up and tells these noobs to stop quoting Seinfeld. If anyone were to put down these fools, it would be CrzBooRad.

5:23 – The seats are in row 8. Should probably move up a row in honor of George and his future child, Seven. Oh hell, they are watching video clips now.

5:33 – Brad showed up. Now we can fight off these idiots with our blog posts making fun of them.

5:46 – Killin time by listening to “Over the Hills and Far Away” by Led Zeppelin. Got to get the Led out before this show starts.

6:09 – Girl in the 3rd row has a Vandelay Industries shirt on. I didn’t know that really existed.

6:13 – Brad hasn’t stopped looking at his phone since he got here. I don’t blame him–I’m horrible company. He’s probably just checking out the Tiger Wood’s Swing app. Or texting babes.

6:15 – Little do you guys know that Brad’s dad is very similar to a certain Seinfeld character.

6:25 – Some dude just walked by me smelling like pee. I’m jealous of his total disregard for social norms.

6:40 – Well, my math class just got out. I bet they are jealous of me and my seats. That’s what they get for trying to learn.

6:46 – Please let Larry David introduce Jason Alexander. I deserve it.

6:52 – So close.

6:53 – George Costanza has to be a hero to bald people everywhere. Bald people get discriminated against and my friend Corbin can attest to that.

6:59 – Trying to decide if he should get a standing ovation or not. What if this is Michael Jordan vs. Bryon Russell Part II and George doesn’t show up? Instead, it’s Wayne Knight?!?

7:04 – They haven’t started yet. Brad is about to leave.

Me: “Why haven’t they started yet?”

Brad: “Nobody treats Brad Earl this way! Brad Earl is about to leave!”

7:14 – George in the house! Time for Feats of Strength! Also, he got a standing ovation. Gave me chills.

7:15 – The girl giving the introduction called Jason “very attractive and intensely sexy.” Honestly, that is the only way to describe him.

7:17 – The school apparently put together a montage of his work. Some play stuff, some commercials, tv shows, Disney movies.

7:20 – Two standing ovations!

7:21 – “I’ve prepared absolutely nothing.” Yes!

7:24 – “I was born a poor black child in the same hospital as Whitney Houston. Rest her soul.”

7:26 – “I was a very serious magician when I was 6 years old…I was also 220 lbs. at age 8.”

7:28 – “There is no sight more horrendous than an obese child.”

7:34 – “The script of ‘Pretty Woman’ is completely different from the movie.” Explained how it was supposed to be a dark movie, but turned out to be the romantic comedy it is today.

7:40 – Telling his story about how he got on to Seinfeld. Epic.

7:42 – Story about seeing Larry David at a stand-up comedy club. Little did he know.

7:46 – “Seinfeld tested horribly. Worst testing in the history of television comedy.”

7:48 – “They put us on after Cheers in the 3rd season. The first episode that showed was the Contest.” Classic.

7:50 – “There is no time in anybody’s life where they go, ‘I need an actor.’” So, true.

7:52 – I think Brad is in love.

7:54 – So, he is going to have 2 students get up and do monologues and he is gonna critique them. Those students got rocks. Rocks!

7:57 – “Actors are lazy.” He talked about how actors act for themselves when you should be acting to help the other actors/actresses in the scene with you. Very interesting.

8:02 – “What makes a best friend, a best friend?” We are going deep here, people!

8:04 – “We don’t know what they think and feel. We only know what they do.” When you first read this you might think he is talking about women, but he’s actually talking about everyone.

8:08 – Dan the student is gonna do a monologue. This could get ugly. I have faith in him. Go Dan!

8:10 – “I’m not psychotic enough to think I’m George when I play George.”

8:32 – “Danny [student doing monologue], I’m gonna club you over the head with the microphone.”

8:37 – Almost time for Q&A.

8:38 – Before anyone could ask him, Jason said that he has no favorite episode of Seinfeld, but his favorite line is when asked about why he had relations with cleaning lady, he responded, “Was that wrong?”

9:00 – And another standing ovation to end it! That was sweet. Here is a video of some excerpts from the event.

Here are some of my favorite George moments.

5. George Costanza Does The Opposite

 

4. George Constanza’s Answer Machine

 

3. George Costanza routine

 

2. George Costanza on Lies

 

1. George Constanza Marine Biologist

 

 

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Dead Presidents

In the past couple of blog posts I have whined about girls telling me “no” before they let me take them on a date and the consequences of me being an idiot in a relationship. This little bit won’t be about me being a complete pansy, whiny idiot, I assure you.

I’m a connoisseur of all things internet. I am also a connoisseur of all things awesome. This leads me to wander the internet for hours and hours and hours and hours….until I find that fleck of gold (sweet website) in my sieve (browser?). Awhile ago I found a doozy that will dazzle the imaginations of those that love dead presidents and other awesome things. I actually don’t remember how I found this guy’s site, but it has forever blessed my existence.

The artist known as Jason Heuser has a page on a website (deviantart.com) that hosts people’s pics and art and other such things. He goes by SharpWriter on the site and he has some of the sweetest combinations of Presidents/historical figures and sci-fi settings that the world of art has ever seen. CBS even got a hold of this guy to ask him about his depictions. You can buy his work on Etsy.com and there is even a pic (photoshopped?) with President Obama holding a pic of his (I swear there was a legit article with this, but I cannot find it). Anyway, I will be presenting/ranking the art.

 

9. Robotic Franklin D. Roosevelt stomping out what appears to be a Skynet robot.

"A date which will life in infamy". Click here for original

I like this one, don’t get me wrong. It’s just not as good as his other stuff. At least he makes a polio ridden president look bad-a. Notice the wheel chair and the sweet Bald Eagle.

 

8. Old Hickory, Andrew Jackson, wielding a gun and an Alien head.

"The people are the government, administering it by their agents; they are the government, the sovereign power." Click here for original

After Andrew Jackson got done gettin the national debt paid off, he decided to go dominate some aliens. I like this one, but I think it would be sweeter if it was an action shot with him choppin aliens heads off. I still dig it.

 

7. Benjamin Franklin vs. Zeus.

"Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight." Click here for original.

I had this as the background on my laptop for awhile. I think it’s awesome how Ben Franklin looks kinda like Raiden from Mortal Combat and has a american flag kite jetapack. Zeus has no chance

 

6. Paul Revere entering the Game Grid, Tron style, to let the colonists know that the British are coming (ft. Nyan Cat).

"To arms, to arms! The British are coming, the British are coming!" Click here for original

I love this one because of the Tron reference. The whole piece is filled with cultural references. Jason is pretty dang creative mixing history with modern sci-fi. I wish I had a sweet American flag cape like that. I would probably wear it for a week straight. Who would win between Jeff Bridges and Paul in the grid?? Also, you may see that Nyan Cat is there, lurking.

 

5. George Washington duel-wielding while blasting zombies in American flag hammer pants.

"There is nothing so likely to produce peace as to be well prepared to meet an enemy." Click for original

My favorite President, George Washington, is straight gangster, clowning on these zombies. To be honest, I had higher hopes for SharpWriter’s piece on George, but this will have to do. George is rocking a general top coat dealie, while duel-wielding handguns and cappin fools all while wearing hammer pants. Hammer pants allow one to move freely while still protecting his lower extremities. I hope Jason repeats some presidents because I would like to see more George Washington appearances.

 

4. John F. Kennedy scouring the moonscape for aliens on his Robot Unicorn with knife in hand.

 

"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country." Click here for original

This is the newest one in the collection and it looks great. John really got the space program going, mostly so he could get to the moon himself and murder moon creatures with his bowie knife. The only way one can do this effectively is to be on a mechanized unicorn. Click here for color version. I instantly liked this because it had a unicorn in it.

 

3. Teddy Roosevelt bearing Old Glory while pumping some lead into Bigfoot.

"I'm as fit as a bull moose." Click here for original.

When being charged by a giant Bigfoot (there may be multiple Bigfoots, just look in the middle of the picture and you’ll see the silhouette of another), one might drop the flag in fear. Not Teddy. He chomps down on his cigar, widens his stance, and roasts some Sasquatch. I just got chills.

 

2. Thomas Jefferson presenting the Declaration of Independence to a Gorilla accompanied with a face punch.

"Whenever people are well-informed they can be trusted with their own government." Click here for original.

“Shutup you damn, dirty apes! We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. What don’t you get about that?!”

I like how he is holding up the document while he smacks that gorilla right in the mouth. Quills ready in their holsters and with a 2 Dollar bill belt buckle, TJ is ready to throw down!
1. Abraham Lincoln holding the Emancipation Proclamation and a gun while riding a bear

"Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it." Click here for original.

This one is my favorite. American flag saddle, huge grizzly bear (I’m assuming), top hat, Emancipation Proclamation in one hand, huge gun in the other, Abe Lincoln is ready to take on those dirty rebs and keep the Union intact! It would be sweet if it was a pic of Frederick Douglas and Abe taking it to those southerners or something like that. Here is a color version of this pic. There is an Abraham Lincoln movie coming out this year starring Daniel Day-Lewis (aka Nathaniel Bumpo aka Deer Slayer aka Hawkeye aka Long Rifle) as Abe himself. I can’t wait.

 

I would like to see some with some Native Americans. Maybe one of Sitting Bull or Crazy Horse against Gen. Custer? Or maybe one of Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad? I’m gonna keep my eye on this dude’s site to see what else he comes up with, but whatever it is, I know I’ll probably enjoy it.

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