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Archive for May, 2012

Any of you remember 9/11? I do. Some of it at least.

This past Saturday, 5 men were arraigned in court for being conspirators to the evil master plan that was the 9/11 attacks. During the past couple years they have been hanging out in Guantanamo Bay detention camp learning various skills from building dream catchers and canoeing to archery and pottery. These 5 men never knew the thrill they would have hanging out with the US military as their parents dropped them off at Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp and whispered “مع السلامة” (ma`a as-salaamah) as they embraced before they drove off in their …camels/jeeps/station wagons. As their parents drove off, they all looked at each other, standing there with their luggage–this summer/6 years was gonna be the best of their fricken lives.

The Cast

 

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
The Ring Leader

“What it do?”

Don’t be fooled. This guy loves learning how to make bracelets. He couldn’t wait to come to Guantanamo Bay Summer Camp (GBSC). He says that when he gets older he wants to come back and work there because he “learned so much from” his counselors and wants to “bring that joy and excitement” to others. Here is the link to start the application process for GBSC if you are interested.

He has been in the press before. You might remember him as the Super Mario looking dude who wears a sweater under his white t-shirt (he beat you to it, hipsters). This dude has acquired more aliases than every single member of the Wu-Tang Clan combined. ODB has around 8 by himself!! WU TANG! Anyway, Khalid is, according to the 9/11 Commission Report, the “principal architect of the 9/11 attacks”. Khalid also likes to play League of Legends and Starcraft II. When asked about what race he uses in Starcraft II, he says, “Protoss, but Terran is imba.”

 

Ramzi bin al Shibh
The Cute One

“Hey girl, let’s cuddle on the couch. I want to hear about your day.”

Ramzi, Ramzi, Ramzi. You look good. Is that a white blazer with a pink shirt underneath? Ramzi bin al-Shibh helped do some coordinating for the attacks after being denied a Visa to the US multiple times. “If we let this guy in, he’ll steal all our women. Just look at his mustache!! DAMN!” I couldn’t agree more. I had a mustache once and ladies were constantly blowing up my phone “hey, when you gonna come over so we can watch Last of the Mohicans together?”  The situation was out of hand.

To avoid creating a disturbance at Guantanamo Summer Camp, Ramzi grew out his beard so he would look a little bit more like James Harden. Doesn’t he know that James Harden attracts hot annoying girls (a little redundant) like Kate Upton? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and I kinda feel bad for the guy. Plus, what if Metta World Peace ends up at the camp and accidentally celebrates his elbow right into the side of his skull?! No matter what, Ramzi is gettin ladies. He can’t help it.

 

Ammar al-Baluchi
Good guy who gets high a lot now

“Heyyyy maaaan, know where I can score some pot?”

Ammar met Kumar at Guantanamo Camp. Before camp, he had spent most of his time volunteering at homeless shelters and studying international business. He is an avid fan of the British media and music such as The Economist and S Club 7. I mean, we all know “there ain’t no party like an S Club Party.” Ammar had been spending too much time learning the S Club 7 dances so his parents decided that he could “use some time in the fresh air” and sent him to sunny Guantanamo.

At camp, Kumar gave him a “brownie” that changed his life. Now his mind is so clear and focused that he can literally comprehend anything and everything. That’s what weed does, right?

 

Mustafa al-Hawsawi
The Jock

Fo, fo, fo

Mustafa used to live in the United States and his name was Moses Malone. No, not the greatest choke artists of all-time Karl Malone, but one of the greatest rebounders ever, Moses Malone. He would spend time throwing the ball at his own hoop and gettin the rebounds in hopes of getting a triple double somehow. Moses was drafted out of High School just like another superstar of our time, Kendrick Perkins. He ended his NBA career with 3 MVPs and 1 NBA championship. That’s Lebron-esque (minus the championship). Hey oh! After he got done with basketball, he went to Guantanamo Summer Camp to “get his mind off of basketball” and “reacquaint himself with nature and grass and crap like that”.

 

Walid Muhammad Salih Mubarak Bin’ Attash
Normal Dude

“You stupid carnies!”

I found out that this guy is my long lost identical twin. You don’t think so? Check this out. When asked who some of his heroes are, Attash answered “Captain Ahab, Heather Mills, Anthony Robles, and Long John Silver.” He spends most of his time “playing soccer, ice skating and practicing capoeira.”

So there is your Five 9/11 conspirators. They will be in the news more often now that the trial has started up (recess until sometime in June). When you see them on the telly you can tell your lady/guy friends “yeah, I know all about them” and next thing you know you’ll be making out and high fiving like crazy! Thank me later.

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I hate you, cancer.

Member and co-founder of the Beastie Boys, Adam Yauch, passed away today after battling that stupid throat cancer.

My first memory of the Beastie Boys was of my friend Brandon Earl playing “Girls” for Dave Price and me when we were staying at his house my 7th grade year. I wasn’t impressed. Then he played some Jerky Boys (they were kinda funny). From then until my sophomore year, in my mind, I thought the Beastie Boys were prank callers and every time someone wanted to listen to them I thought, “I don’t want to listen to stupid prank callers.” FOR THREE YEARS I missed out on Beastie Boys due to some crossed wires in my adolescent brain. (SIDE NOTE: We teepeed Brandon’s neighbors house that night and I saw an older sister of his kiss a boy in the drive way. THE TRUTH IS OUT!!!)

“Born and bred in Brooklyn in the USA/They call me Adam Yauch but I’m MCA/Like a lemon to a lime a lime to a lemon/I sip the def ale with all the fly women”.

My friend Cody White reintroduced me to the Beasties’ License to Ill when I was 14-15. I loved it. We rode in the back of his parents suburban while his mom drove from Spokane, WA to Moses Lake, blasting that obnoxious “Rhymin and Stealin“. I, on the other hand, couldn’t get enough of that drum sample from Led Zepplin’s “When The Levee Breaks“. Another friend, Todd, would make me mix CDs like crazy and would draw the Ultimate Truce symbol on the discs (The Ultimate Truce was a truce between Jordan, Todd, Brandon and I to not pee-pee tap each other). Each one of those CDs had “No Sleep ‘Till Brooklyn” on them. MCA was from Brooklyn. We would cruise around in our mini-vans (Todd, a friend Dallas and I all drove mini-vans when we turned 16 and called ourselves the MVP….mini van posse. It was a joke, people) and this song would inevitably come on. I’m assuming they won’t sleep until they get to Brooklyn?

“Well I got to keep it going keep it going full steam/Too sweet to be sour too nice to be mean/On the tough guy style I’m not too keen/To try to change the world I will plot and scheme”

With an insatiable appetite for all things Beastie Boys, I started to branch out and check out their other albums. Check Your Head, Paul’s Boutique, Ill Communication and Hello Nasty were the other albums they had out at the time. I’d blast “Remote Control” in my dad’s truck while leaving Lakeview Elementary after having done “140” hours of community service in Mr. Homan’s PE class. Before we started doing sprints in the wrestling room for practice, teammate and friend Chris Wentworth would throw on “Intergalactic” to get us pumped up to lose too much weight.

 “But like a dream I’m flowing without no stopping / Sweeter than a cherry pie with ready whip topping / Goin’ from mic to mic kickin’ it wall to wall /Well I’ll be calling out you people like a casting call”

In order to impress the ladies be cool, I printed off the lyrics to “So Whatcha Want” and would practice rapping along while the song played on loop. Man I was cool! My brain was too slow to pick up the lyrics after 100 times of listening. I needed 500. On trips to the nearest mall (an hour away) in Kennewick, I’d bombard my friend Krystin Davies with remix after remix after remix of “Root Down“. Pretty sure she hated me for that.

“Now here’s a little something that you might not like/My DJ’s name is Mix Master Mike/It’s a real pity that you people gotta bite/But I can understand ’cause he sounds so nice”

Another time, I drove down to Pendleton, Oregon with my twin, Grandpa Livingston, to pick up a truck. I drove back alone and missed the turnoff at Hermiston to head home by about an hour. I was too busy thinking about where to go to college in the future and thinking about my current girlfriend Kaylee, the whole time groovin to “Alive“.

“‘Cause I’m a craftsman, who ain’t fastin’ /I’ll take you to task everyone of ya’ll draftsman/I’m rehearsin’ and ain’t maskin’/Bringin’ the beat back and keepin’ it lastin'”

Before I left on a mission for my church (Mormon), I bought To The 5 Boroughs. Finally, I could be a true Beastie Boys fan and buy a Beastie Boys CD as soon as it came out. None of my friends gave a crap about the Beastie Boys. They liked Fall Out Boy and Big Tymers. It was a weird time in my life, and the Beasties were there rappin away as I thought about what life in South America for 2 years would be like and what girls would write me (very few did and if they did they only did for a couple weeks). I was lonely and the Beastie Boys comforted me by providing sick beats and fresh rhymes.

“So like a pimp I’m pimpin’/I got a boat to eat shrimp in/Nothing wrong with my leg just B-boy limpin’

I got back home from my mission and jumped right back into listening to the Beastie Boys. My spirit animal directed me towards tracks from Paul’s Boutique. To me, Paul’s Boutique has that authentic old school hip-hop sound. That was more Beastie Boys than their first album License to Ill. I had read so many interviews and listened to their music so much that I knew that their License to Ill album wasn’t who they really were deep down. They had matured and grown and changed. So had I. And it was sad to me that people wouldn’t take the Beastie Boys seriously because they were idiots when younger, even though they were completely different now. They didn’t seem to care. They did what the loved and didn’t have to prove anything to anyone. I felt the same way.

“Pass me the scalpel, I’ll make an incision/I’ll cut off the part of your brain that does the b***ing/Put it in formaldehyde and put it on the shelf/And you can show it to your friends and say that’s my old self”

Last year I bought their latest album, Hot Sauce Committee Pt. 2. It was so fresh sounding from everything else out there. All the Lil’ Waynes and the Drakes and the Nicki Minajs didn’t have nothing on this. True MCs with real old school beats, yet still fresh. FRESHHH people! What does fresh food taste like? That is what this music tasted like to my ears. A big, crunchy, juicy apple. I listened to the CD from Moses Lake, WA all the way to Mesa, AZ where I spent the next 8 months working at for a wilderness therapy program. Every week after getting home from 8 days (or more) in the wilderness with no music, phones or civilization in general, I’d climb into my car smelling like dirt, sweat, dried cheese and lentils, push the clutch in, turn the ignition and either “Make Some Noise“, “Nonstop Disco Powerpack” or “Don’t Play No Game That I Can’t Win” would fire up, bringing me back to the real world. It’s hot in Mesa, AZ so I’d drop the windows and cruise to Wal-mart at 12:30 at night and buy me some popsicles, all while the Beasties rapped to my heart.

Now MCA is gone. And I’m pretty sure the Beasties are done. But thanks for all the memories. RIP MCA.

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