Archive for the ‘Sweet Sports’ Category

I got a red card and was informed I had to talk to the Intramural office before I could play again. I went in to talk to them multiple times, but they were never there. In their defense, I didn’t make an appointment. I ended up missing the rest of that soccer season. I think I missed 3 games total. Not a big deal.

That little scuffle was two years ago. A lot has happened since then. I have toned down my aggressiveness in sports. I grew a beard and shaved it. The Miami Heat acquired LeBron James and Chris Bosh, promised they would win 8 championships, and then lost to the Mavericks in the NBA Finals. I worked in the ghettos of South Chicago for AMP Security (which screwed me out of money, but that’s another story). I met Kelly Hightower (he’s actually a boy. Crazy huh?!). I worked at Anasazi and changed my outlook on a lot of things. A lot had changed in my life.

But none of that mattered to BYU. Rules were made to be followed regardless of the situation.

I wanted to sign up for another intramural team, but before the season started, I wanted to make sure that BYU wouldn’t try suspend me for something I did–and missed games for–two years ago.

I called the Intramural office and went in and talked to them. I went into the office of one of the director dudes and we talked about what happened. I said exactly what happened and told him I knew it was wrong and that I’ve already missed games for it so I just wanted to get this talk over with and be able to play. He proceeded to give me a lecture about the seriousness of the situation. I honestly felt like he was trying to hear himself talk like a Bishop. He also told me that I received 2 other red cards (which I was not informed of ) in the same game. I told him they never told me about those (they were for threatening another player and swearing), but he could care less–he is too busy following every rule ever invented.

I started out saying all the things that I thought that he wanted to hear, but that didn’t last long. He told me he would have to meet with the other directors (I don’t know what they are called) and figure out what my suspension would be and that I should count on at least a one game suspension.

Ex-squeeze me? A-Baking powder? (Waynes World reference)

“Wait, why should I be suspended at all if this happened 2 years ago and I missed games then??”

“Well, it just has to happen.”

“Why does it have to happen? Is there a rule or policy that says so?’

“No, it is a serious offense and that requires a serious punishment.”

“So, if there is no rule that says I have to be suspended, you’re basically telling me that you want to me to not play. Right?”

“No. It just has to be this way.”

“No it doesn’t. You want it to be this way. Or else you’d say “time served, lesson learned, have fun. But have the BYU mentality of enforcing every little thing even when it doesn’t apply.”

“It just needs to happen. We just want everyone to have fun.”

“You also don’t want me to play thus not allowing me to have fun.”

We went on to discuss some other things like me having to pay to be suspended. Why would I pay money and not play? I don’t know if he grasped that argument. At one point in the conversation he told me I was ticking him off (I think it was when I was ripping on the refs for not doing anything). One last time I asked him if he would just not suspend me. Nope.

I left and got a refund.

A couple weeks later I got this letter in the mail.

BYU Office of Intramural Activities is full of clowns

Not only did I get suspended, but I got suspended for the whole semester??? For something I did 2 years ago and missed games for??

I guess that’s what I get for questioning things at BYU and, to quote the late (and sarcastic) Hugh Nibley, “as for the rest, we do not question things at “the BYU”.


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Two years ago–on the 10th of February 2010 to be exact–I got into a scuffle with another male soccer player while participating in a BYU Intramural Coed soccer game.

Little did I know I would still be paying the price 2 years later for what went down that night.

We were playing some team full of poor sports (I would expect nothing less from BYU) and we were wining. I was playing defense and we were always on the attack so I didn’t have much to do. On one offensive push, a player on our team, Carl (not his actual name), was running behind a dude on the opposing team for some reason. They were pretty close and a dude on either our team or their team accidentally bumped Carl from behind. He started to fall and decided to grab on to the opposing player (I will call this player Richard for obvious reasons). Richard got angry quick because “WHY IS THERE A DUDE GRABBING ON TO ME!!!!!! I AM RICHARD AND I CANNOT BE TOUCHED!!!!!!”. At least that’s what I gathered from his actions. Carl fell down and tried to get up, but Richard decided to walk right in to him. It kinda reminded me of what Pippen did to Ewing after he dunked on him except Richard was actually knocking Carl back over.

So, Carl was tryin to get up and Richard kept bumping him over. Then Richard start to kick him and act like he was just walking. I obviously saw right through this. The refs were totally oblivious to everything including  their own existence. Our whole team was looking for them to see if they would do anything. They were too busy picking their wedgies and noses. One of the refs was actually spinning around in  circles while looking at the ceiling. One of the other refs called out to him and said,”HEY! What are you doing?!!?…… Let me try.” And the both started to spin and stare at the ceiling. Meanwhile, there was a soccer scuffle going on.

I stared at the refs and wondered if they would do anything. They didn’t. I decided to be judge, jury and executioner, ruling that this Richard was crossing the line. I sprinted across the field and ran into the dude as hard as I could. In fact, I think I speared him like this. We both fell down (I think, at least I did) and immediately jumped back up. He put his dukes up and swung at me. I dodged and then put him in a rear naked choke hold. I realized it looked like I was trying to kill Richard so I loosened my grip and put my arm more around his upper chest. He screamed like a little girl (no offense to the ladies) and started to punch me in the head. Bam! BAM! BAM! I just took it like Rocky until I decided that I was pissed. I socked him back in the head while still holding on to him. He screamed again, saying, “HE’S CHOKING MEEEE!” I said, “If I were choking you, you’d be out, sucka fool!”

The refs finally stopped eating their boogers and broke up the scuffle. Richard and I got red cards. I knew I would, but I had to do what I did. In the words of Tommy from Coward of the County, “Sometimes you gotta fight when you’re a man.” We went to the sideline and Richard kept whining to the refs.

“Why did I get a red card? I didn’t do anything.”

“Uh, you hit me in the face multiple times.”

“Shutup man, you attacked me.”

“You kicked my friend when he was on the ground. You better shut your @#$@#!@$%$^#$%”

“Let’s outside right now! Let’s go! Come at be bro.”

“Dude, I’ll get my friends and whoop your [butt]. I don’t care about a fair fight.”

About this time the side ref told us to shutup and I left. I walked away, satisfied that I had defended my friend, pissed at Richard and super pissed that the intramural refs were completely useless. I thought, “This is about as bad as intramurals at BYU could get.” Little did I know that the morons in the office would do much worse.

The End of Part I

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Listening to Dan Patrick this morning. The FRS Poll was “Should you go if your team is invited to the White House?’ This has to do with Tim Thomas, goal tender for the Boston Bruins, refusing to go to the White House with his team. Most professional sport teams (NBA, NFL, MLB, NHL) have a tradition of the national championship winning team going to visit the President at the White House.

Well, Tim said he isn’t going. And he released a statement on the matter via his Facebook page. He stated the following:

I believe the Federal government has grown out of control, threatening the Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People.
This is being done at the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial level. This is in direct opposition to the Constitution and the Founding Fathers vision for the Federal government.
Because I believe this, today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an INDIVIDUAL.
This is the only public statement I will be making on this topic. TT

A bunch of callers to the Dan Patrick show were upset that he didn’t go and said that they need to honor the office of the Presidency, but not necessarily Barack Obama himself. One caller said he needed to “bite his lip” and go. Others said he was within his right to not go, but should to be part of his team. Even Dan said something to the effect that people might say “well, if you don’t like our government, why don’t you leave the country?”

I think he had a pretty good statement that was well thought out. He probably shouldn’t have said it wasn’t about politics because it is obviously political in nature. What he should’ve said was that it wasn’t partisan in nature. Anyway. We all know what he meant.

People seem to think that the office of the President and honoring it is more important than an individual’s personal opinion. Why does Tim have to go to the White House? How could he have avoided this situation? Are you trying to tell me that he should have lost if he didn’t want to go to the White House? Is this a damned-if-you-do damned-if-you-don’t moment, either winning the championship and having to go to the White House or losing the championship so you don’t have to go to the White House?

Where does ones opinion/belief on “Rights, Liberties, and Property of the People” rank in peoples priorities? Below your job and sports or above it? The government and what it regulates influences everything, whether your a student or a farmer or a professional athlete or a bum or grocery bagger at Safeway. So, why–being a professional athlete–should Tim Thomas not get to protest government by not attending the little White House ceremony?

The President is not above us. We are greater than him. We give him the powers that he has. He does not take them from us. Barack, George, Bill, other George, etc., did not get their powers without being elected by the people (some might say George W. did, but that’s another issue). It does not need to be honored or respected if we feel that they are being “unconstitutional”.

I guess what bugs me about some of these callers is the idea that it seems like they are putting the office of the President on a pedestal, that they are forgetting that we, as a people, created that position, that nobody gave that office power, but us. And that it is to be revered even when we think that whoever is in that position is doing wrong. Some callers suggest he(Tim Thomas) make a statement by going and confronting the President while there. It seems almost contradictory to honor the position and then confront him with issues in an inappropriate setting such as a White House ceremony to recognize professional athlete’s achievements. Also, the idea that a professional sports team and their unity is more important than sticking to ones morals and beliefs is absurd to me. I think it’s pretty ballsy of him to take a stand and not let his decision be influenced by peer pressure.

(Update: I didn’t start thinking about this until after I wrote this post, but the whole White House photo-op is something Presidents have done in the past to make themselves more appealing to the masses. In October of last year, the Chicago Tribune had the following:

“Presidents are constantly, particularly in the media age, trying to make the rest of us believe they’re like us — that they’re regular guys,” historian Richard Norton Smith observed. For them to follow and fete top athletes “is deemed to be politically useful for the White House.”

So, why would someone who doesn’t agree with the politics of the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches have to go do a photo-op with somebody who will use said photo-op for political purposes?

Another thing. Dan Patrick said that “Tim Thomas is afforded those luxuries (rights) by our government.” Not really, Dan. Government is supposed to protect our rights. They don’t give us our rights. Those rights are God given. And, according to Thomas, the government is not protecting those rights. That is why he is upset.)

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That’s right. Tom Brady.

I hate him. (Side note: Kelli Dodd requested that I write about Tom Brady. That is the only reason I am writing about him. Also, to let people know how evil he is.)

Why? Because he is better looking than I am. And not only is he better looking, but he is probably smarter and he is definitely more successful than I will ever be. Plus, he is dating married to a super model.

Let’s start with Tom’s childhood. Apparently, according to Wikipedia, he was born and grew up in San Mateo (Saint Matthew), California. He grew up around the area and wen to Junipero Serra High School. This a school for rich kids. I did a little research and figured out it costs around $16,000 a year to go there. It costs me zero dollars to go to Moses Lake High School/Big Bend Community College and look at me. I’m awesome. Last time I checked, high school lasts around 4 years (if you aren’t stupid and even if you are it usually lasts the same amount of time). 4 x $16,000 = $64,000. You know what you could buy with that much money? Roughly 21,333 boxes of Dreyers Fruit bars, or popsicles in layman’s terms. How long would that feed a family of 1 Tyson Pyle? I have eaten 4 boxes of those popsicles in a day, sooo that puts me at about 4 boxes of those Fruit bars a day for 5333 days aka 14 years. I have no idea if my math is right, but Brady–or Brady’s rich parents–could have fed me 4 boxes of Dreyers Fruit bars everyday for 14 years. Instead, those smug little turds decided to send their son to a nice all-boy school so he could get an education that he would never use. Tom Brady is the definition of selfish.

For those of you who don’t know, Tom Brady is the quarterback for the New England Patriots (football). He was drafted by the Montreal Expos in the 18th round when he was 18. He went to the University of Michigan to play football instead. He didn’t start his first two years, then battled with Drew Henson to start his last two years. Henson actually went on to play professional baseball, retired, then played some NFL ball.

Brady ended his rookie season as the 2nd string quarterback behind Drew Bledsoe. Bledsoe played football at Walla Walla High School in Walla Walla, Washington. My senior year of football we only lost 2 games. Both games were lost to stupid Walla Walla.

This is one of the ways that Brady and I are eternally connected.

But I still hate him.

And he wears UGGs.

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I got homework to do today. So I got busy applying for jobs and reading Twitter (you can follow me @nosyt22. I don’t say anything cool). I made some albums on Facebook and whatnot. Then when I ran out of stuff to do besides homework, I decided to finally blog.

Awhile ago I asked people on Facebook what I should write about. I got some pretty good ideas and couldn’t decide which one is best. So I will be writing on every single idea that was submitted. Boom! Some will require a whole post dedicated to them and some will be lumped together. It’s Bill Simmons Mailbag-esque. I rip off everything he does.

The age requirements in the NFL and NBA. If you were a top high school athlete would you be for it or against it?
–Scott TooLegit Moberg 

To start off, I think NFL age requirements must stay the same. Imagine some a high schooler jumping right to the NFL. He’d get killed. The competition between high school and college is a huge jump and from college to the NFL is just as big, if not bigger. Plus, Football is a little more complex than Basketball. Kids definitely need that learning (and growing) period that they get from college ball.

Now, let’s talk NBA. Some of the best players in the league right now jumped right out of high school. Kobe (douche), LeBron (douche), Garnett (hero), Dwight Howard (douche), Shawn Kemp (hero), Stoudemire (meh) are some of the more notable High School-to-NBA participants. You may say to yourself, “Self, this looks like a pretty prestigious list.” And then yourself would say back to you,”Yeah, but it’s full of douches, except Garnett and Kemp (both heroes). Also, Self, there are a lot more players that didn’t do as hot.” Then you would get on the internet (the source of all knowledge) and Wikipedia that crap. (I’ll provide the link to save you time). As you can see, there is quite a list of players that jumped to the NBA from high school. And to be honest, the High Schools that these guys went to were more like little Universities than what we think of as high school. Ever see LeBron’s movie “More Than A Game”? They were travelling all over the country playing the best High School teams that money could buy (yeah, LeBron was gettin hummers and jerseys and shoes and gold necklaces. Jk. Sorta).

So, if I were a top high school athlete, I would be against age requirements. Why? Cause I want my money!!! If I were a top University (UNC, Duke, Kentucky) I would for age requirements. Now, some people will say, “waaaaa. What about college ball??” Nobody watches college ball to see the best basketball players. They watch it for A) Entertainment, B) Rivalry, C) Loyalty to University and D) To see up and coming stars. Taking the best players in the world out of college doesn’t change those 4 things. People will still watch and enjoy their crappy college ball (jk again. I like college ball and March Madness more than you love your children).

Some people might say, “The NBA will suffer from it because the kids will be hyped up and fail in the NBA.” Well, we’ve seen that to be both true and false. Some dudes who have joined out of high school have sucked. But not too many have. Why? Cause they play for AAU teams and high school teams that travel around the country playing the best players. They develop younger and quicker because of it. The NBA can be complex with it’s strategy, but a couple of good players can overcome that and get you to at least losing in the NBA Finals mutiple times i.e. LeBron. Basketball purists will say that it is making the game crappier, but do they get to define what is and what isn’t good basketball? The masses get to decide because it’s the masses that watch and pay and buy jerseys and obsess over teams like the Heat that lose in the Finals even though they have 2 of the best 3 players in the league. I’m a fan of team play and crap like that, but basketball evolves and changes and has since the beginning. So, when was it the purist? Don’t say the 80’s cause you will be lying to yourself and to us.

To finish up, there should be no age requirements. It’s a business. If the NBA allows teams to pay Carlos Boozer $60 million over 4 years or Joe Johnson $107 million over 5 years, then I don’t see why they won’t let teams risk drafting kids out of high school when they’ve seen success from it.

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